There is always a strange tussle in human life, completely beneath the surface, or if you please between the head and the heart. In any situation the head speaks the language of reason, we assume. And the heart, the more irrational language of the impressionistic non verbal. And people aware of this or otherwise, choose one. A bit like backing a horse at a race!
Is this situation unavoidable? Will we always hear two voices in two ears?
This is so, one of the givens of human life. We either hear these voices from ourselves. They probably represent the various people we have internalized. Or we hear the people around us voicing various perceptions.
People often say, the rational and sensible way out is to go for the facts and these touchstones will resolve the problems. Others say that there is no resolution.
If one adds the dimension of body language and its influence on us, the situation becomes even more tricky. It is said that interviews are finished in time that the candidate takes to walk from the door to he chair. Impressions are formed and these are rarely modified in the minds of the people who interview. The carriage, clothes, physical features complete their statements and are heard directly by the eyes, ears and the deeper layers of our psyche. This is where decisions are made.
There is a nagging question. Yes, decisions are made thus. But are we infallible? Are there things we notice and are there those we don't? Is our assessment and weighing not a product of our conditioning? And how is this better, more sensible than an other's?
Is body language all we have. Are the words we hear and speak impotent? Therefore do words carry little meaning and even less effect?
Could there be a way out of this funnel? Can we be something other than helpless victims of our own backgrounds? Is there any wisdom in use of words?
A question! However limited, can words be taken seriously? This is a difficult question and one may be tempted to dismiss it. But here goes...
Words have meanings, however vague or specific. And our background adds colour and flavour to them. Would there be any sense in picking words for 'engagement'? What could this mean?
For instance, if one hears an emotionally laden word in a conversation what could one do? "I am disgusted with the President of this company!" All one's emotional responses fire. "Danger, oh what is coming now? How do I not get road rolled?" etc. Are there any clues, approaches?
One could respond by speaking of one's feelings. Anxiety, wariness, fear etc. "What is real" grounds the communication. But what beyond stating of feeling.
Would there be value in saying, "I can see you are upset and irritated. But I don't get any clear sense, What do you mean by 'disgust' in this context? If you were to use some other words, to help me get a better sense, what would you say?"
Is there value in not assuming that one understands? Even if this is just a 'strategy' does it offer a glimmer of hope for bypassing our deep, settled, unaware responses?
Our actions count more than the perceptions. Therefore what we do with what we experience counts more than our understanding and perceptions. Taking the words seriously allows space to raise questions. It may be important to elaborate the zone of questions: Questions are often used as tools of battle - trying to score a point, or to unsettle another. But if that is not one's aim or purpose then questions can be used to navigate the landscape of human communication of meanings, feelings and intentions in an enquiring, unfolding journey. For example questions can be used for
1. clarifying meanings of words and context. (Eg: What do you mean by the word settlement?)
2. to understand if what the listener understands is what the speaker said. (Eg: Do I understand you as saying that formal education is unimportant.)
3. to understand if the basis assumptions one is getting are the one's the speaker has. (Eg: Are you assuming that mountain folk are more honest than plains people.)
4. To catch the feelings behind the expressions. (Eg: Are you expressing you preference for ice cream over fruits?)
Hopefully such an approach will free one of some of the limitations of human communication and permit us to live together holding our judgements and conclusions in check.
